Beam us down, Scotty!
by SneverusSnapers
Summary: A spoof of an average Star Trek episode featuring mainly Spock, Kirk, McCoy and a lot of dead redshirts.
1. Part 1 The Flying Klingon

Beam Us Down, Scotty! Part One

"Beam us down, Scotty!" Kirk yelled down the communicator.

"Er…Captain, I'm right here." said Scotty, a little worriedly.

"Yes but it, it gives more effect if I say it into the communicator." Kirk explained.

"Ah." Scotty replied through his end.

"That's the spirit Scotty, that's the spirit. Now, if you please, beam us down."

There was a whirring sound as the landing party arrived on the planet.

Spock took a step backwards and accidentally knocked over a fake plant. He hurriedly sidestepped away from it.

"Look at that spectacular view McCoy!" Kirk said majestically, admiring a painted board.

"Yes, it's really quite stunning!" said McCoy, nodding in agreement "Have they changed our artist?"

"Illogical." blurted out Spock. "That painting in question was used in last week's episode."

Before McCoy could retort snappily, a redshirt tripped over a fake weed and consequently died.

"There goes Ensign Hemmingway." said Kirk with a sigh.

McCoy bent over the body. "He's still alive, Jim!" he said excitedly.

"Look!" said Kirk, pointing skywards. "A Klingon!"

"Hey Jim, I didn't know Klingons could fly!" said McCoy, squinting into the distance.

"They can't." said Kirk simply as he crunched his boot with all his might into Ensign Hemmingway's face. (You wondered what those high heels were for? Well now you know.)

McCoy, on hearing a loud crack, spun around and bent, once again, over the Ensign.

"He's dead this time, Jim."

Kirk smirked.

"Captain, I believe that I am picking up readings of life forms on my tricorder."

"Where from, Spock?"

"Over there, I believe."

"Don't you mean over _there_?" Kirk muttered menacingly under his breath.

"I don't think so Captain, I…"

Kirk seized Spock by the shoulder and led him to one side.

"Over there is off set!" he muttered, every now and then shooting furtive glances at the camera.

"Over _there_, on the other hand, is where the Klingons are lying in wait."

"Well that is precisely why I do not wish to proceed in that direction." said Spock condescendingly.

"Don't blame me, it's on the script!" Kirk snapped back.

He sighed and strode forwards again, just as Ensign Peters fell down a large pothole. Ignoring this, Kirk turned to face his crew.

"He's…well the truth is I can't quite tell whether he's dead or alive as I can't, er, see him… Jim." McCoy added hastily.

"Never mind that." said Kirk commandingly. " unfortunately made a slight _mistake _with his tricorder readings. The Kling-I mean-life forms are over _there_ not there. Now I want three redshirts to go over there and die-investigate."

The redshirts obeyed. Suddenly, on their way to the bush, one stopped. He turned around.

"Now look here, Kirk, we know what you're playing at!" he began hotly. "You send so many redshirts off to die each day, I suppose you probably enjoy it!"

Kirk's face turned stony. "I always take losing a man badly." he said gravely. "Now go on, go on," he added in a lighter tone "find those Klingons!"

The redshirt shook his head in disbelief and followed his fellows.

"Erm…Jim…" began McCoy surreptitiously "You weren't s'posed to know that there were Klingons there…"

Kirk opened and closed his mouth, lost for words. Just then, Ensign Smith glowed blue and disappeared as a Klingon pointed a fake gun at him.

The Klingon then turned on Spock… "AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.

"He's not dead Jim!" said McCoy. "Let's get him back to the ship where he will surely recover."


	2. Part 2 The Colour Blind Klingon

Beam us down, Scotty! Part Two

Spock lay deathly still on a bed in sickbay. McCoy, as usual, hurried around, poking Spock with various bits of plastic and every now and again looking worriedly at a bleeping red dot on a panel above the bed. Spock showed no signs of awakening.

Just then, Kirk appeared on the threshold and strode into the room. He looked anxiously at the lifeless form of his First Officer before turning to McCoy.

"Has he shown any signs of life?"

"I'm sorry, Jim, no." said McCoy gravely "Although I wouldn't worry, even if he does die, there'll be some ridiculously obscure way to bring him back to life later on."

Suddenly Spock sat up.

"I'm feeling much better now; request to rejoin landing party, Captain."

"Don't you DARE!" began McCoy hotly.

"Don't I dare what, Doctor?" Spock replied in his usual annoyingly calm voice.

"Don't you DARE, think that you can just waltz out of here as though you were never hurt in the first place!"

"But I wasn't." said Spock plainly.

"You could have DIED!" McCoy continued, choosing to ignore the last comment.

"It's just as Jim said." began Spock, gazing poetically into the distance "I knew I wouldn't die because you were with me. I will die alone."

"More like you knew you wouldn't die because you were wearing a blue shirt!" scoffed McCoy.

"Wait a minute…" Kirk said, his face screwed up in concentration "I don't recall saying that I'd die alone…"

"Ah, yes." said Spock knowingly "I forgot. We haven't done that film yet."

And with a last quizzical look at Spock, Kirk left the room.

McCoy and Spock watched the door close.

"Now…" said McCoy menacingly as he began to round on Spock "Get back into bed NOW!"

"No." said Spock simply, an air of defiance in his voice.

"Don't you disobey me…" McCoy threatened, grinding his teeth.

Spock instantly moved forwards and pinched McCoy hard on the shoulder. McCoy's hand jumped to his neck.

"Ow!" said McCoy angrily, glaring at Spock, "That _hurt_!"

Spock looked confused. On sighting this McCoy smirked.

"You know the Vulcan neck pinch doesn't actually work…" he sneered "In fact, you're quite a pathetic fighter really, aren't you?"

Spock started forwards again, his hand outstretched. McCoy leered at him.

"I don't think the Vulcan death grab will have much effect either…I was acting the first time."

Spock's brow creased in confusion. Then his face relaxed.

"The Vulcan specialities may not work on you, doctor, but I am not only capable of fighting in that manner." He drew his hand back and punched an un-expecting McCoy in the face, sending him cannoning into a cupboard. There was a loud smashing of glass, and McCoy looked up, dazed, from the wreckage. Then his jaw clenched as he saw what Spock had done

"That was my last supply of Romulan Ale, you green blooded, pointed eared hobgoblin!"

Spock merely raised an eyebrow and left the room.

"Security!" gasped Kirk down the communicator.

"Security here."

" is on the rampage; track him down as quickly as you can."

"Affirmative, Captain."

"Alright, Kirk out."

Kirk jabbed at the button to the transporter room and addressed himself in the same manner as always:

"Transporter room? This is the Captain speaking."

"Transporter room here, Sir."

"Ok, is loose on board ship. says that he is suffering from concussion, thereby greatly confusing him. Whatever you do, don't let him beam down!"

There was a silence at the other end.

"Transporter room? Transporter room?" Kirk called worriedly.

"Er…did you say don't let him beam down?" said the voice worriedly.

Kirk's heart sank.

"You didn't…He hasn't…"

"Beamed down?" finished the voice. "As a matter of fact yes, about five minutes ago."

Kirk pressed a hand to his forehead. Without even announcing his leave, he cut off the line.

Meanwhile, Spock had arrived at the planet's surface. He looked around and set off into the distance. There was an almighty crash.

"Ouch!" yelled Spock as he collided with the background board, knocking it over and consequently ending up squashed underneath. He pulled himself out from underneath it, checking that there was nobody around. If McCoy found out about this, he'd never hear the end of it. Spock scrambled to his feet and set off in the direction that the landing party had travelled. Well, the only direction possible to go really, as all the others led to off set. This helped Spock to logically conclude that unless it was lunchtime, the landing party must be in that direction.

The landing party evidently hadn't done too well. Countless redshirts were scattered about, some on the floor, some lying in ditches, one even up a tree. The only people to remain were Chekov and a few paranoid security guards as Kirk and McCoy had stupidly beamed up when Spock was shot. They should have known that it was a risk too great to take, abandoning Chekov with only a few redshirts as backup. On the other hand, thought Spock, maybe they were more cunning than they had first appeared. There was no way Chekov could come to any lasting harm; he appeared in all the later films! Chekov was incidentally holding a large branch and trying to ward off several advancing Klingons, who, funnily enough were reluctant to shoot him. Spock waltzed right on into the middle of the commotion, not scared in the slightest. Suddenly, without warning, the Klingon leader moved quickly towards him and grabbed his arm.

Spock raised an eyebrow. He realised abruptly that the Klingon was shaking his hand.

"I apologise, I apologise…" he simpered. "I'm colour blind y'know, I really didn't _mean_ to shoot you, I mean, I know the rules, it's redshirts and redshirts only but my eyes sometimes make that hard for me." He looked deeply haunted by his mistake.

"I quite understand." replied Spock sympathetically. "But please _do_ pretend to attack me; after all we are supposed to be enemies!"

"Oh, er, right." said the Klingon, and he aimed a very slow and clumsy punch at Spock's face. Spock administered the Vulcan neck pinch and the Klingon fell unrealistically to the floor.

Spock turned around to see Kirk and McCoy striding his way…


	3. Part 3 The Daily Redshirt Funeral

Beam us down, Scotty! Part Three

Spock looked around nervously, endeavouring to seek out some means of escape. There wasn't one…unless…Spock sprinted towards a towering palace that just happened to be situated fairly close to the location of the landing party, meaning to take refuge inside. He was still a fair distance away when:

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP! There was a deafening tearing sound as Spock plunged through the canvas and plummeted down the other side. It had never occurred to him that this palace was merely background scenery. McCoy and Kirk ran towards him.

"He's alive, Jim!" came a familiar voice from above.

"Of course I am alive, doctor, why do you have an obsession with stating the obvious. I am sitting up and moving so how could I logically be dead?"

McCoy chose to ignore him. Just then, a large spear, the size of a tree skewered all three of them through the middle, turning them into a giant Enterprise crew kebab. Cue dramatic music and up came the advert break…back to the show.

"We need to get to sickbay now!" bellowed McCoy. Spock sighed.

"Once again, your obsession with stating the obvious shows quite clearly."

Kirk meanwhile, snatched at his communicator, only to discover that it too had become part of the kebab. And although Spock's had suffered the same fate, McCoy's was still intact and generally unscathed.

"Oh darn." said McCoy lightly, shaking the communicator "Run out of battery again. I _knew_ I should have charged it up last night, but the truth is I just didn't have the time…" he shrugged and dumped it on the ground. Kirk turned to Spock.

"What does logic suggest we do Spock?" he said as usual stealing Spock's ideas and taking all the credit. Spock raised an eyebrow and Kirk looked down at his speared chest in mild irritation as though a stray splinter had lodged itself there. Spock thought carefully for a moment.

"Logic dictates that if we construct a crude hang glider using this canvas and some handy wood-" here he motioned to a pile of neatly laid out wood at their feet that Kirk was _sure _it hadn't been there a second ago-"- we may be able to soar up to the upper atmosphere, defying all laws of physics and burgle into the Enterprise via a convenient window." he said, apparently oblivious to the fact that he had a giant spear wedged through his heart, which, incidentally is where his liver would be, had he been human.

"Is that the only option?" said McCoy angrily, blood pouring from a gaping hole in his middle.

"It is our best option." replied Spock cryptically.

"There are others" asked a now interested Kirk as he leaned to one side of McCoy, not noticing that he had just ripped a gash through his stomach, spewing his guts all over the floor.

"Affirmative, Captain." began Spock, turning around and completely severing his body in two.

"We could take a large jump from the top of a tree and endeavour to reach the Enterprise. Alternatively we could pole vault using the very spear that is currently embedded in us."

"I'll go with option one." said McCoy, and in the time it took for the scene to change, they'd whipped up a top class hang glider.

"Right." said Kirk "off we go!" McCoy grabbed Spock's legs in one hand and his body in the other. The hang glider miraculously took off, thanks to a handy gust of wind at just the right moment (courtesy of off set fan). In a trice they had reached the Enterprise. McCoy shoved Spock in through a conveniently open window (not questioning in the slightest the dangers of having one open at such an altitude) and followed himself, pulling Kirk through afterwards. McCoy dragged them off to sickbay and in literally no time at all they were well again.

"Come on, let's go to the daily redshirt funeral." said Kirk solemnly.

"We are gathered here today to commemorate the deaths of the three-hundred-and-thirteen redshirts that passed away in the last hour. They fought valiantly for their aim, which was to protect us blue and goldshirts from peril. To name a few of the bravest, Ensign Hemmingway tripped over a weed and died. Ensign Peters fell down a pothole and died. Ensign Smith twisted his ankle while bravely running at a Klingon and died of the pain. Ensign Richards accidentally spotted his reflection in a glass of water and died of shock. Ensign Hill coughed and consequently his lungs packed in. He died. Ensign Redweed got a bit of dust in his eye, and while he was bravely fighting this well known death cause of many Redshirts, he coughed and suffered the same fate of Ensign Hill. Death. And I would just like to stress how remarkable it is that these redshirts reached so far on in their lives. Even though for many of them this was their first mission, they should thank their lucky stars that they didn't suffer the same abysmal fate as many others of their kind: tripping over the gangplank when they boarded ship. And can we give a big cheer for Ensign Smith who Kirk used as a bridge to cross a pool of molten lava."

Spock raised an eyebrow "I remember that vividly Captain."

"Smart idea." said McCoy wistfully "_I_ was forced to use one of their shirts to parachute across…unfortunately my legs knocked him in…but that's what redshirts are for isn't it?"


	4. Part 4 The Redshirt On The Cupboard

Beam us down, Scotty! Part Four

Kirk was cornered. Fifteen Klingons had surrounded him and were all pointing their phasers in his direction. Kirk wondered vaguely what ridiculous succession of coincidences the script-writers had cooked up to get him out of this one. Just then, a meteor struck the leader on the head, and several bolts of lightning miraculously hit at just the right places to wipe out all of the other Klingons. Kirk wiped his fevered brow. For a second there, he'd actually imagined that the manager could be having him done away with! A ridiculous notion. Reaching for his communicator, Kirk reflected. He should have known! Freak weather conditions occurring on barren planets were a particular favourite of said script writers, and although generally they were used to kill off redshirts, they could still be used if the Captain ran aground of a _very_ tight situation.

Kirk flipped open the communicator and the lid shot off its hinges and flew through the air, crashing down on a particularly jagged rock and consequently snapping in two. Kirk ignored this particular malfunction of props and spoke into the communicator.

"Transporter room?"

"Transporter room, Scott here."

"Scotty, beam me up!"

There was a whirring sound and Kirk materialised in the transporter room.

"Welcome back to the Enterprise, Captain." Scotty said, wringing his hand as though he'd just survived a life threatening situation. Then Kirk realised, he _had_ just survived a life threatening situation!

"That will be quite adequate, Scotty." said Kirk, attempting to prise Scotty's hand away in order to make his way to the bridge.

"Oh, er, sorry Captain." said Scotty, suddenly realising what he was doing.

"That's quite all right, Mr. Scott." and with that he left the room.

Kirk appeared on the bridge

"Captain." said Spock, immediately swooping over to him "I have taken the liberty of analysing my tricorder readings and have come to the conclusion that aside from Klingons, the inhabitants of this planet are comprised mainly of other life forms. These life forms are life, Jim, but not as we know it!"

"This must be a record!" said McCoy, miraculously appearing on the bridge unasked for, as was custom at such times of discovery. "We must have discovered hundreds of new life forms 'as never known before' over the years!"

"Yes, Spock!" said Kirk, joining in the jibe. "You must say that at least once an episode and…"

he began to count them up "Well there're 29 in the first season…26 in the second…now how may in the third…that makes 73 in total. So that's at least 73 new _types_ of life forms. Not bad. Not to mention the films…"

"Yes, yes, I get the picture." Spock snapped back.

"Anger Spock?" said Kirk whipping round "Isn't that a human emotion."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Now." said Kirk in an orderly manner "I'm sending down a landing party to investigate these life forms."

"Scotty, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, Uhura…oh and a few redshirts report to transporter room ready for beam-down."

Kirk looked agitatedly around himself.

"Where's a clock?" he snapped irately.

"Illogical, Captain, we do not possess any clocks in Star Trek."

"Oh." Kirk rolled up his sleeve and glanced surreptitiously at a wristwatch that was concealed there.

"Why aren't those redshirts here? They should have arrived by now."

"Captain, to answer that question logically, I shall require sufficient factual evidence on which to base my hypothesis."

McCoy shot a dirty look at Spock.

"Well don't just stand there, Bones, let's get down to security!" said Kirk in disbelief.

'Down at security' it was pandemonium.

"_I'm _not going down there, _you_ are!" screeched one particularly paranoid individual.

Kirk observed one redshirt climbing on top of a cupboard and refusing to come down again.

"This is ridiculous, it's a suicide mission!" one cried, his voice breaking into a shriek. He consequently died of a shortage of breath.

"All right Kirk." started a particular revolutionary

"If you're so ready for us to die, _you_ put on a red shirt and go down there, you wouldn't last five minutes."

Kirk supposed that he should take this as a compliment as many redshirts were dead within seconds. As he was contemplating this particular thought, a giant explosion suddenly occurred, wiping out everyone wearing a red shirt, which _was_ everyone with the exception of Kirk, Spock and McCoy.

Kirk sighed and stepped onto the transporter mat. Reaching for his communicator he called.

"Beam us down, Scotty!"


End file.
